How to argue well…

Well if you must row then you should at least learn the rules

By Emma Kreft

A recent report stated that couples who get things off their chests during arguments may live longer, that sounds like good news for me and my fella. But there’s a catch – while it’s healthy to air your differences, you must be sure you are doing it the right way. Here are some rules of engagement to ensure your arguments solve differences rather than create them.

Mind your language

The quickest way to ensure an unsuccessful argument is to shout about horrible things. Name calling and swearing guarantee your partner switches off and doesn’t listen to what you’re really saying. If you must shout then say something ridiculous like “you rotten banana”. It’s so silly it may even defuse the whole situation.

Take a breather

There’s no rule that says you must have an argument, resolve the issue and go to bed happily in one go. In an ideal world it would happen that way but we’re talking about the reality of relationships. Sometimes you might start a row and realise you’re getting nowhere. Try saying: Can we please finish this later today or tomorrow as I’ve had a rough day and I’m just not up for it.” However, if you do call time out, you must make sure you resolve things at the agreed later time.

Don’t drink and row

Just as you shouldn’t drive after drinking alcohol, avoid arguing too. Everything is distorted and it is easy for the situation to get out of control. Instead, tell your partner you’d rather sleep on it before you discuss anything.

See the other side

You can be the wisest and most sensible person in the world but there is always more than one side to any argument. Just look at politics, there are many ways of looking at complex issues and solving problems. The same goes for your relationship. Plus you may learn something if you try and see their view.

Don’t go round in circles

It’s easy to start an argument, develop your thoughts and then go back to square one. You may not even realise you’re going round in circles. Say something once then ask your partner if they’ve understood what you mean. Likewise, if they keep repeating themselves, tell them clearly you’ve understood their point and repeat it back to them so they know you have.

Dig deep and say worry

Even if you feel you’re right about an issue and your partner comes round to your way of thinking, you can never go wrong by saying you’re sorry that it developed into an argument. It goes without saying that if you have upset your partner and behaved badly, you should say you’re sorry – and mean it. Those simple words can make a tremendous difference to your relationship.

When to let go

There are some people who will never let go of an argument. Like a dog with a bone, they’ll continue to wrestle over an issue even when it’s gone past the point of mattering. If an argument seems to go on and on, question why you two are spending your time this way. Say to your partner: “You know, we’ve been at this for over an hour and nothing’s been solved. Let’s calm down and look at what’s going on here.” They’ll probably thank you for it.

Finally, some tips: Tape yourselves while arguing, then listen back to it – you’ll be unpleasantly surprised at what you sound like. Now use an egg timer to allow each other three minutes of uninterrupted time to put your case forward. I’m sure you’ll soon make progress

For more advice on relationship and support why not visit: www.armchairadvice.co.uk Do you have an issue that you would like us to feature in a future issue of Local Xtra? If so email: editorial@localxtra.co.uk